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Monday, March 25th, 2013
10:32 pm - another song, another night
I've been single for a year and a half now. I want it to stay this way. Its funny how this who year I have been trying to get back together with my ex......

When the whole time, I wasn't happy with him the way it was. I love him........

But I don't think I'm in love with him.

current mood: blah

(I learned from you)

Friday, January 13th, 2012
1:49 am - dont even know what to say.
I feel like a jerk. I feel like someone but their arm through my chest, ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I've never felt this way before in my life. A cold heartless bitch. Yeah, thats what i am.

I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm a horrible person, and shouldn't be aloud to hurt anyone anymore. I give up on this all. I'm going to lock myself in my room and never come out.

P.S. this journal should be burned. It's pathetic and embaressing.

current mood: crappy

(I learned from you)

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
12:43 am
so if the chain is on your door, i understand..

(I learned from you)

Friday, February 12th, 2010
12:36 am - awkward
welll. Today was very awkward!!

I was so anxious, i had to take a few shots to calm me down. It worked though. Now i'm calm. Uhm... yeah.

that caught me by surprise. it didn't go well either.

current mood: weird

(I learned from you)

Monday, January 4th, 2010
1:29 pm - insaneness
You have to know, this is driving me insane.. absolutly insane.

What? hahahahhahahahahhaah fuck!

I'm going to pull my hair out soon. And drive off without stopping to see where i end up.. hopefully its far from here and a beachy scene. I think i have enough music on my ipod to last me to drive somehwere where i won't have to listen to a song more than once... but i might have too.

I should just go to the gym and work it out.. but it might force me to go mad. haha wait.. i think i'm already there.

Ohhh yeahh. By the way..school starts monday.. that really blows.

current mood: good

(I learned from you)

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010
1:20 am - a little ride through memory lane..
uhm.. hahaah wow.

I really don't know how i existed in the past. My journal enteries were pathetic. ...
absolutly pathetic.

hahahahaha really all i can do is be embaressed for myself. pathetic. hahahahaha wow. im such a loser.

current mood: weird

(I learned from you)

Friday, January 1st, 2010
10:33 am - a new beginning..
Wow, goodbye 2009. You came and left so quickly.

I figured, maybe i'll write. Poor livejournal. No one updates anymore. Well, I kind of like it. Except I tend to let my thoughts take over...and i end up saying too much. Hmm, how ironic. One day, I probably will get in trouble from my words.

Soooo, if i could recap 2009.. what would be my highlights?
- nothing
- nothing
- nothing
- i got a room mate. shes awesome.
- nothing
- i discovered the twilight books.. amazing.
- the philadelphia eagles game.. ugm it was awesome.
- new years eve. .. it was fun.

Aww, well i guess it really wasn't a good year. Honestly, it was a horrible year. I really hope this one gets better. But, i can't imagine that it would. When i think of whats comming in the near weeks... danger, sadness, and losing everything.

But, i guess right now, i'm happy. For the most part. I just have so much to worry about.. bills, work, school, my mom leaving, losing my relationship, my health, money. I'm a senior in college. But i have to go back for my masters. damn it. Being a senior, it sounds nice. I turn 21.. yeahh! my gram bought a house in florida... uhm i can go anytime i want. I'm purchasing a new car this year.. scaryyy.

Some new years resolutions... (i didn't compile any last year)
- save money into my savings account..every paycheck.
- finish my house.. like redo my room, and bathroom, and replace the windows -- it will be done
- get in shape, personally, i would love to lose 20 pounds. Actually, i lied I just recently lost 13, so.. i'm much closer to my goal. Uhm. 13 more pounds... would be amazing.
- i want to be happy and enjoy my life.
- i want to make new friends.. ones that don't break anything when they come over. lol
- i want to reunite with some old friends.
- travel to the beach
- maybe read some books.
- visit my mom in colorado...and spend some quality time with my dad
- get to know my brother better. .. we lost touch.

Well, yeah. I guess thats my list. Pretttyyy big there. good luck briana. haha

I have to say, im tired. lol from last night. after trudging up a mountain to get to a house. and being piss ass drunk and hung over from the night before still.. i have heartburn.. haha i didn't know you could get heartburn at this age. lmao what a past few days this has been. Maybe i'll update some more.. later. hmmm bring on 2010...ugh.

current mood: okay

(I learned from you)

Thursday, October 29th, 2009
3:22 pm - fairytales
Things are slowly improving. I hope it keeps getting better. Everyone is telling me it should end. I really dont want it to, nor do i think running away is the best option. After all the shit, we've been through and made it through we're still togetther. And i think getting out may just be a dumb decision. I dont know. I guess i really thoought thingfs over, and really thought hard about my future and what i want.

I want you. Forever. Me and you. Just like now.

We get along so well. It's just us. No matter what everyone else thinks. I just wish you let me know how you still feel about me. After 5 years, I still feel the same. A simple i love you would be nice. Then again, i think that might be to hard for you to say.

I guess i'm living in a fantasy world. Like always.

(I learned from you)

Sunday, October 4th, 2009
10:45 pm
That's NOT funny.

(I learned from you)

Sunday, February 8th, 2009
12:09 am - When you feel emptyness..
How would you react if someone told you, that you made them feel like they are trapped. Like you are their mom and you have to tell them what to do? I really didn't think i was that bad.

All of my friends I've ever had, I lost. I work wayyy to much. WAY WAY WAY to much. I guess i realize that now. Working a 45 hour week and going to school with 18 credits really isn't too easy. The only time i ever have for myself is, at night after work. And i'm so tired that i just have to pass out. I get 5 hours a week during the day to do whatever it is i want. usually that just consists of sitting on the couch thinking about how much i hate my life. haha How funny is that? I don't even need to work that much. Wow, i just realized that. Money, it's such a bad thing.

I have no time for anything. No time for friends, no time for myself, no time to clean, no time for homework, or to study, or to even enjoy my life. In the after hours, theres my "You give me a cerfue" boyfriend. You know, maybe if i actually was able to go out without you getting mad at me, because i'm around 'guys', who arent even attracted to me. how pathetic. I'm almost 20 years old and i'm getting into this arguement with you. FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME. You ask me to stay there everynight, but i make you feel trapped? Now that i dont understand. It's easy, i wont stay there. I knew that was going to ruin our relationship. It was going to make things to the point where we can't stand each other. I should have been smarter.

I have no common sense though.

I really just can't wait for a vacation. I've really been considering moving away to Arizona with my mom and joe. Theres nothing important here for me anyway. personally i think waiting around to go to harrisburg to finish my degree isn't worth it. I can just transfer somewhere out there and just be down with the valley. Who wants to live here anyway?

Besides, it's not like i would be missed. Maybe leaving my life behind here is worth it. I can just start a new one, and maybe be happy this time around.

current mood: sad

(I learned from you)

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
8:13 pm - Alone.
Not all relationships can last forever.

I guess in a sense i derserve everything that is about to happen. I'm tired of being ignored, i'm tired of trying and giving so much but getting shit on in return. Everything else is more important than i am. Sometimes i wish i could be my own person. But being in a relationship for four years you kinda lose the person you used to be. I'm still myself, but i just have no one other than him. How could you not? I wish i could go back and take control again. I lost all and every confidence i had. Which is no ones fault but my own. You know, maybe my life could have been different. But its so hard to picture it any other way.

I was so happy. I became so happy over the past few years. In the beginning, it was rough, you were just another guy to me, but now your my world, my everything. You used to say that about me, what happened? I guess its true, you can't stay in a relationship and actually like the other person. I never thought this would happen to us.

Now if you had to save your car, your xbox or me, who would it be. I know it wouldn't be me. Tell me, how do you stay in a relationship with someone who thinks that way.

Your best friend told me to break up with you because your too immature and you need to grow up. Your parents told me the same thing. Wow, i must be hated by everyone around you. Or maybe they just see that we're not right for each other. Your friend said that if i never break up with you then i will never get to go experience the things i have planned for my life. I really thought about it.. and he's right. It's a matter or love and work i guess. If i want to leave this valley and og some where else where i can actually make something out of my life, or stay around here with you and live my life with you, how do you make that decision. What do i really want? Aparently all my past decisions were shit, so maybe i should go with my absolute opposite of my gut feeling. You wont even call me once.

Yeah, i lied you'll call at 3 in the morning when im already sleeping. tell me, what kind of things do you think im doing at 3 in the morning. If i didn't stay over like i do, i think we would have been over months ago.

I wish i had someone who cared. I never will. I lost what i had.

I really don't know what i'm going to do. Alone, with no one. Not even my mom, since shes leaving in the summer.

I never really thought about it, i'm really gunna go crazy without my mom. I call her everyday and talk to her. We really are close. Oh man.. i really am alone.

current mood: rejected

(I learned from you)

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
11:21 pm
Well, wow. It says its been 15 weeks.

All i have to say is, im sick of relying on you all the time. i'm sick of getting treated like shit. i'm sick of all this bullshit all the time. I hate it. i deserve to be treated by someone better, im so fucking tired of this. you will never be like you used to be.

I don't like the new you.
I miss the old you.

I guess thats when you know it needs to end.

You make me feel like crap. and bad about myself. I wish sometimes you would see how i feel, and care about how i feel. but your sick of these 'conversations' whatever.

I'm sick of you attitude. The end.

(I learned from you)

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
11:21 pm - what would you do?
I think things can't get any worse this week. Seriously.

I found out my tires keep going flat because i need new rims. I got into a car accident yesterday and ruined the paint on my car, that i spent 1600 dollars on. I have 1-11, 12-10, and 11-9 shifts next week throughout the whole weekend. I am running out of money, it is wednesday, and i dont get paid until next wednesday and i only have 7 dollars left for 1 week. I'm getting sick. I don't feel good at all. Andy refuses to call me back because he's starting to act a little bit weird. I found out im failing one or two of my classes today. I have no motivation, it's cold in my house, and to top it all off, i forgot to take my birth control pill yesterday.

I really hope things start going for the better. I really don't know how much more of this bad streak i can take. It feels as if only the worst is about to come. which is really scaring me..really bad.

I hate secrets. But they are better off kept to myself, than anyone else. And i know this will bother me for the rest of my life, or until someone actually finds out what it is. I feel like that day is just around the corner. I don't think i can talk myself out of this one either.

Well, the only good thing was, my mom and i spent some quality time together. and i got my new cell phone. I like it, but i kinda wish it was a little bit more girly. lol

I'm watching true life on tv, and this guy does gay porn, but hes straight. How the hell does that happen. Eww. I think its actually wierd.

So i finally finished my room. Well almost. I like it so much better, and it feels bigger. It even gives me a more homy feeling. Believe it or not, ever since i've been gone, i haven't been home sick at all. I mean i miss my mom and my puppy, but i dont miss living there at all. I really do like living on my own. Money does suck though.

Well, i guess i'm going to go to sleep, because i really am tired, and i should have gone to sleep 39q4854596 hours ago. Good night.

current mood: creative

(I learned from you)

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
10:59 pm
I really have to get this feeling out of my system.

I need to clean my room. But i hate being so lazy, and not being able to do anything about my laziness. It's reallly getting me mad now. i have no motivation what-so-ever. UGH. This is gay. I hate my self.

How awesome is it that your boyfriend likes to sit home on a saturday night and fuck around with his stupid computer game. Wow, how special i feel. I refuse to go over his house tonight. I think i;m better off here. With roommates, who i don't get along with.

Word of advice; if your going to move in with someone, make sure you can handle living with them. Really.

I am still wearing my work clothes. And they smell bad, like work, ew i need to change my clothes. and clean my room.

ohhh look at that, i got a phone call from my lazy boyfriend. He wants me to go over, so he can go fall asleep. No. fuck that. it's a waste of gas, time and money. Why would i leave my house to go somewhere else, so sleep on the couch, and fall asleep in an hour. hmm? i would rather sleep in my bed. What an awesome saturday.

Actually my roommates are annoying. I think i might actually have to leave. Fuck this shit.

I can't wait to get a dog. Only 4 months away. And vacation is in ONE MONTH. WHOAAAA! I can't wait to get away from here. I hate it.

current mood: blah

(1 Everything I know about breaking hearts | I learned from you)

Sunday, February 10th, 2008
10:12 pm - some things.
I had a dream last night. I have a dream every night. But last night was different in particular. I have to say, i think i actually knew what it meant. I'm the retart that takes things like that seriously. But, it did have me thinking alll day long today.

Anyway, so many things have changed so soon. I can't believe i've been moved out in my own place for already 2 1/2 months. It's just hard to believe. Obviously there are issues, but everyone has those when they live with people they really don't know that well. And it's something you can resolve, i guess.

Florida is only a month and a half away, and i have to say, i really CANT wait. It's just going to be me and andy, on our own for the most part. Well, especially when we take our trip to the keys. The only problem i am having is finding a hotel that excepts 18 year olds. lmao. the minimum for someone to stay in a hotel in key west is 22 years old. It's kinda wierd. oh well, i'm sure i'll find one. Andy's excited because he's never been on an airplane before. I personally don't like flying. I like going to the airport and the feeling of arriving somewhere else. But i dont like the actual flight part. Oh well, i am too excited to think about anything else.

Valentines day is just around the corner, and i requested off. Well, andy and i requested off, and i guess we were the first people to do that. SO anyone else that wanted to request off couldn't because they gave it to me and andy. i felt kinda bad. but it's first come first serve. That sucks.

I just got a text message, that wyoming area has a 2 hour delay. Now i'm just waiting for Penn state. haha. Doubt that will happen, although it is suppose to be -5 out tomarrow.

I really dont know if i am ready to get a puppy. I want one SOOOO bad. And as of right now i am getting one. I know they are difficult, and i know expensive. But, i want something to come home to, instead of nothing. But on my birthday, i should have one. I dont know, i'm sure that i can handle it. I just can't wait.

Well, i have some quizzes that are due by 1130, so it hink i might go do them just incase it doesnt time out. lol seee ya.

current mood: contemplative

(I learned from you)

Monday, January 7th, 2008
10:42 pm - few.
Well it's really been quite a while since i've updated. Since i'm finally moved out of my house things are slowly getting finished. It's aggrivating because i just want everything done NOW. and i don't have the money obviously.

We got our condo for senior week, i heard its a full house. thats pretty cool. All the people staying in it are awesome. I feel kinda wierd going this year. but obviously this is the last time, and next year it's Cabo San Lucas. ;]

Everything pretty much is gong okay. Although i feel trapped about a few things. I'm not sure how safe it is to speak about them. Doubting that it wouldn't matter anyway. For once, it actually has nothing to do with boys. haha

Andy finally is getting to go to florida with me. .its going to be awesome. we are going to rent a car and drive to key west. I cant believe my mom is letting me though. i guess thats what happens when you grow up, turn 18 and move out. I'm aloud to go anywhere and do whatever i want without her telling me i can't. which is awesome. i can get used to this feeling.

well, more later i guess. i just had a few free minutes.

current mood: weird

(I learned from you)

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
11:52 pm - a tradegy almost finished.
So, i need to rant and rave about how things will end up being in a few months. I have a lot bothering me, and i really don't know how to let it all out.

Last time i talked about how i was moving out and i am. I moved my bed and couch today, and i dont really have anywhere to sleep tonight except on the floor. Since my couch is gone. You know, it never really hit me until i walked into my half empty room today that i was actually moving. It feels different and scary all at the same time. We also got our first bills too, comcast and electric, it's not that bad for the first bill.

I'm scared to have two room mates, both of which are best friends. Sometimes i do feel a little left out, but im sure that will go away. I'm just nervous to live with people, that i know, but not very well. It's going to be fun though getting to know them. I'm definatly up for the ride.

I see where our differences come out though. Everyone has differnet views, it happens.

Now, I have to get started on this. I know people do long distance relationships all the time, but i dont think i could handle one. I dont even think i could try. Have you ever had such bad luck, but finally things start to go your way for once, and then all of a sudden you can feel it breaking apart. I saw it, when i heard about the 'new' plans.

It feels like i finally found things that were going right for me, and i was happy. Now it's over. It's all crumbling up like a cookie. The one reason i didn't go away was for you. You were scared of me leaving, and honestly as much as i wanted to get out of the vally, i didn't want to leave you behind. So i stayed and waited for you. But i should have known things wouldn't have went the way i wanted to.

It kinda makes me wonder, why so far away? You want a backup, but why can't it be around here. I guess this happens, and i'm not going to be selfish and say no. It's your life, and thats what happens i guess. I only wish you the best of luck.

You know, it just sucks though. We had plans to move in together next year. I guess it's all different now. You never know. I guess things never happen the way you would hope for them to. I give up on life, and relationships and trying to be happy. It never fails to disappoint me.

Right now, i dont think my life can get any worse. Secretly a huge part of me is hoping you don't go. But the other wants you to do what you want, and be happy. I dont want to be selfish toward you. I want you to be happy, and really even though it will probably be one of the hardest things i've ever thought about or done. In the end, it all works out for the better. Time for me to move on, and find other things and try to find happiness and comfort somewhere else.

..I just dont ever think i'll find someone who makes me more happy than you, and i dont think i'll ever be more comfortable with someone as much as i am with you, and most of all, i wont find anyone who makes me feel like i do, when you have your arms wrapped around me so tight, or when you call me, or when i see you even if it was just 5 minutes later.

I honestly can say that i love someone for who they are, and not their appearance, or their attitude, or humor. It's who you are, everything. Your everything to me, and i am so grateful that it was you and no one else.

current mood: sad

(I learned from you)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
12:44 pm - let go of what you have.
I can honestly say, i really don't know whats on your mind anymore. I see all these unusual things happening. Things that never happenend before.

You know, i'm scared. I can see the end of it. I can see how all of it will happen. I'm dreading it. I actually am hoping it won't happen. I can't even imagine what it would be like. I don't want it to end. Because for the first time in my life, i can say that i'm happy with you. I've been happy with you, and i don't want anyone else but you.

..which is something i worried about happening. I never thought it would turn out like this. Now i really don't know what to do or even say.

It seems like your a different person, your morals changed. Sad enough, i can' t keep up like this.

The end is just around the corner, i can feel it.

current mood: scared

(I learned from you)

Monday, October 15th, 2007
12:16 am - Get out of my head. please.
So i heard a few shocking things this weekend.

I've come to realize, i will never get over this. Because i'll always end up going back to where it left off. No matter what. Sometimes, i just wish it was easier. Especially now. Now that things got complicated.

A word of advice to anyone. 'Never let anything get complicated. It would be wasted and over in two seconds.'

Wow, its been forever, and i really didn't think it would bother me this much. Whatever. Shit happens. Blah, i want to stab myself for thinking about this again. Ugh.

Anyway, i worked all weekend. And of course it was busy all weekend. Except for today. Oh well, i got next friday off. I'm kinda excited, even though its really not that big of a deal.

I've really been thinking a lot lately. Especially about moving out. Of course i'm having my doubts. But, you know what, i think it might actually work. And having my own house, and own privacy, and yeah, i just think its going to be so much fun, and i think ill learn a lot from it. I will miss living in my house. and believe it or not i think i am going to miss living in the country the most.

Well, you know you can't stay young forever. One day your going to have to grow up.

This tuesday morning we're starting to move. We're cleaning out the apartment first. And hopefully by three weeks everything will be finished and then it would be completely liveable. wow, i can't believe im moving out in three weeks.

It's kinda scary actualy.

Hmmm, it is 1230. But i can't sleep. I'm thinking about a bunch of stuff. Thats actually well bothering me. Which shouldn't be bothering me. I don't even know why im being bothered. hah. It's retarted and wayy to personal to talk about to everyone. Like anyone reads my journal anyway. haha.

I think i am going to take a road trip soon. I already have a destination.

Well, since my mind is being occupied with my pathetic thoughts, i am going to go drown myself in them, because i can't believe im actually wondering about it. lol.

Good night to everyone.

well, theres no one in town, I know. But you gave us some place to go. I never said thank you for that, I thought I might get one more chance. What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud? I never said thank you for that, now I'll never have a chance.

current mood: restless

(I learned from you)

Thursday, October 11th, 2007
10:10 pm - missed chances.
Well, i guess i could say a lot has changed.

It feels as if my life has been flipped totally upside down. For both good and bad. Things between 'us' have been pretty bad lately. Almost to the point where i don't think we'll last for the next few months. I don't see it happening. And even thought thats rational enough to say, I just have to say what i feel.

Like today, there was fighting over nothing. And honestly, it's really getting sickening to the point where i just don't care about anything anymore. As bad as that is, it's true.

Also, i have to drop my political science class. I mean i got a C on the first test, but we took the second one today. They are online tests and open book and stuff. I was doing so good, i sware i had basically everyone right. And then i clicked on this website thing, and it cancelled my internet explorer and my test answers. When i got the chance to get back in, my test was blank, and not only that i had 28 seconds to redo the whole test. Impossible and totally ridiculous. Then is automatically submitted my test to a 0.

I was so upset, i got a 0 and i had basically all the answers right. I was just so pissed it wasnt fair. I called her and left a message, but i dont really know if she would let me take it over. I highly doubt it. and then im going to have to late drop it. If those dates didnt already pass. I dont know what i would do with a 0 out of 100.

Anyway, on the other hand. I have some rather shocking news. Guess who is moving out. Meeeee!
Briana, got an apartment, and a room mate, now all she needs is another room mate and some money. lol Nahh, i make about 600 a month and the rent is only 250. Its a three bedroom apartment, with 6 room in it all together and 2 bathrooms.

The only downside is it needs to be fixed up. We own it, but no one lives in it right now. It's a half a double. So yeah, i'm pretty excited. The people before that lived there ripped out the sinks and knocked down the bathroom walls. lol. So we have some work ahead of us. But i think it would be so much fun, considering thats what i am going to school for soon. ;]

But i cant wait to buy things for it, and decorate it anyway i want, and paint it any color i want. and i can have puppies. Mikaaa. I am so excited. And i just can't wait.

..i wonder about you, sometimes.

current mood: flirty

(I learned from you)

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